


An Ordinary Girl

by IllegalCerebral



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Father-Daughter Relationship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-12-05 14:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11579784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: Cat Adams was telling the truth about the father of her baby. The ramifications of this secret will have major consequences for all involved.





	1. Chapter 1

It was a strange way to come into this world. The mother, cuffed to the bed, screaming, and flailing looked more like a wild animal than a woman. That coupled with the presence of the two prison guards and the bellowed promises to kill her child before it had a chance to take its first breath meant that neither the midwives or the nurses had ever attended a birth like it. Everyone was on edge.

Only the head midwife spoke. Her soothing comforts had been thrown back in her face so instead she had stuck with plain instructions in a curt tone. After hours of pain and struggle the little girl was pushed free, thankfully healthy, with a small cry.

“Give it to me” the prisoner demanded. The head midwife only responded with a steely look and began to wrap up the tiny bundle. She had stopped crying already.

“Give. It. To. Me” the prisoner hissed again, wild-eyed and half feral looking “It’s my baby. It’s mother should hold it first”.

One of the younger midwives moved forward but was stopped. The room was silent.

“There are concerns for her wellbeing” said the head midwife “And for yours” she added, not unkindly. With a swift movement she left the room and made her   way down the winding halls of the corridor. The whole situation left her feeling uneasy, sick to her stomach and as she glanced down at the now sleeping infant she felt a twinge of pity.

No one should come into the world like that.

Finally, she reached the private room with an armed agent outside. With a little nod she passed him and approached the two waiting figures inside. Neither of them looked like they had passed the last few hours peacefully. The blonde woman rose first, her hands half outstretched for moment before bringing them back, clamped in front of her stomach. Then main remained seated on the bad, regarding the bundle with a desperate mixture of fear and longing. The tension in the little room was thick.

“It’s a healthy baby girl” said the midwife softly “Ten pounds, two ounces”

He rose and approached cautiously, like he was afraid to be near her.

“Spence she’s beautiful” said the blonde woman softly. He didn’t respond but he brushed her tiny hand with his forefinger. In response the infant’s eyes flicked open briefly before fluttering closed again and she flexed her hand, grasping his finger tight.

“Do you want to hold her Dr Reid?” the midwife asked. He hesitated. “I’m sorry. I understand that she may not be staying…” she trailed off. The hospital had been briefed on the danger that the prisoner posed but they also knew that certain things were being kept from them, that this child was not…wanted.

“I don’t think that decision had been-” the blonde woman began but Spencer cut her off.

“Yes”

They both looked at him.

“Yes she is staying with me and yes I would like to hold her” he clarified “Please”. The midwife beamed and gently passed her over to her father’s outstretched arms. 

“I’ll give you a moment and then I’ll take her down to the nursery”

“I’m not sure I can do this JJ” Spencer said after the midwife had left the room.

“You don’t have to” said JJ softly “No one would blame you and we would find the best home for her to go to. People who would love her like she was their own and she would never have to know about Cat or-”

“Or me?” he didn’t take his eyes off the baby’s face.

“Or what happened to you” JJ finished, softly.

“It isn’t her fault”

JJ thought she could feel her heart cracking under the weight of it all. Her eyes began to sting as he softly brushed one of the infant’s downy curls aside.

“No it isn’t her fault” JJ agreed “And honestly it looks like your mind is pretty much made up”

“I think I love her” he said finally pulling his gaze away and looking up at JJ “It’s strange”

“Not really. You were made for this you know? But Spence, if you do this at some point she will find out. She’ll find out about everything and you will need to deal with that”

“I know, but for a little while okay? Not when she’s so little.”

Not now” agreed JJ “But someday”

Spencer took a deep breath, eager to get away from the subject. there was plenty of other things to think about before then. He didn’t have anything for her at home and truth be told, originally he hadn’t planned on going there at all. It would have been easier if he’d stayed away and she been passed directly to a family who would raise her away from all this…messiness that his life had turned into after leaving prison. Easier said than done. Over the past six months every waking moment had been consumed with thoughts of his unborn child, it’s mother and what should happen after it was born and  despite everything that had happened, despite how it came about, as the delivery date drew closer  he had a harder and harder time with the idea that his child wouldn’t be with him.

“First things first” he said with a smile “She needs a name”

* * *

“Hope Reid” Emily smiled “It’s apt I’ll give you that”

Everyone had pitched in to prepare a makeshift nursery for the new arrival. JJ had a load of old things from when her boys were little and the rest had come in the form of gifts from the others. After it was all done they had stayed so that everyone could have a chance to have a hold and say hello.

“She has your eyes” said Garcia, who had done the majority of the holding so far and was reluctant to release her new goddaughter “And she’s so smiley, she hasn’t cried once even with all the noise and the commotion!”

Spencer beamed. Truth be told the whole situation was overwhelming. He had pulled JJ aside several times and asked her if he was making the right choice or if he was just being selfish. It made sense to keep her with him right? She was his daughter (the term was strange in his mouth but comforting at the same time). He couldn’t bear the thought of giving her up now, it would kill him. It might  _literally_  kill him.

“You’ll need to think about moving soon kid” said Rossi “This is fine for now but they grow really fast. It will feel like tomorrow when she’s walking”

“She’s a Reid so she will probably literally start walking tomorrow and then talking the day after. Right Girl Wonder?” Garcia asked “There’s a future president or brain surgeon or chess super grand master laying here folks”

“I’m looking for houses with large backyards” said Reid, trying to resist the urge to dart over and snatch Hope back at once.

“Good for a swing set and a pet dog” said Luke. He was leaning over Garcia’s shoulder and grinning down at Hope “Bet she’ll love that”

“It’s good for children’s development to be outside and get a lot of exercise” said Spencer “Plus studies have shown that children who engage in a lot of of activities outdoors are happier and better adjusted”. His voice caught at that last bit and JJ squeezed his shoulder. 

“She is going to be the happiest, most well loved little girl in the world” said Tara, leaning forward and taking Spencer’s hand.

“I know, it’s just…” 

Everyone knew what it was “just”. It was this great black cloud hanging over everything for the past six months and no one had quite known how to handle it. The bureau had insisted on a complete evaluation before they would reinstate him as an agent and Emily had fought his corner at every turn. Privately however she had insisted he speak to someone, ideally someone not connected to the FBI. They had already insisted he see their therapist but Emily thought that in addition to that he should see someone who was a specialist in working with… She hadn’t said the words but her meaning had been obvious.  _Survivors of sexual assault_. It wasn’t just for him, she explained, it would be good for Hope too. There were a number of other conditions from the FBI and Emily but they all seemed manageable and once the arrangements for Hope had been made going back to work wasn’t a massive priority for Spencer.

“Take all the time you need” Emily had said “And after that we’ll work it out. You can work from home, liaise with us via Skype, we can adjust your duties. Anything you need.”

Spencer couldn’t express how grateful he was, for all of it. One day he would, he promised himself.

Finally everyone drifted home. JJ was the last to leave. She had offered to stay but Spencer insisted. This was  _his_  daughter, he could take care of her on his own. JJ had finally conceded once she got him to promise he would call her, anytime day or night if he needed anything at all. When she left the apartment was quiet but for the first time in a long time it didn’t feel empty.

“Okay Hope” he said softly “It’s you and me now”

In response Hope made a small noise and wriggled, Her dark eyes fixed on Spencer with an intense look like she was extracting a promise from him. It was a promise he was more than willing to make. She would be safe, she would be happy and she would spend her life blissfully unaware of Cat Adams and all the carnage she’d caused.

* * *

“Up! Up!”

Spencer looked up from the storybook with a smile.

“Lift me up!” Hope said again, her tiny fists clenching and unclenching. In one swift movement he swept her up in his arms, his heart leaping at her squeal of delight. It never got old.

“The story isn’t finished yet! Don’t you want to know what happens?”

“Can we go outside?”

Spencer laughed. They very rarely got to the end of any story that was started, her attention span was so terrible. Whereas he could get lost in a book for hours, his focus narrow and precise, Hope seemed to be taking in the entire world all at once. She was a dreamy child, happy to amble along at her own pace, so different from the anxious over achiever he had been. At first that had terrified Spencer.

“It’s getting late and you have a really important day tomorrow sweetheart”

Hope eyes lit up. After five years Spencer had become a master at re-directing her attention.

“Yeah! Can I go check my bag again?”

“Okay one, final check and then ready for bed. You need to get lots of sleep so your brain can work to its full potential. You don’t have to worry about not having the right stuff though okay?”

“Oh I know” said Hope breezily “I just like looking at my new bag and my new pencils and everything. It’s gonna be amazing!”

Spencer smiled back at her as she ran off to grab her new bag. The kindergarten had sent out a list of items needed (most of which seemed unnecessary to Spencer) and they had gone out shopping for the day. Spencer had hoped that it would ease his anxiety over the whole thing. As if making sure she had a new bag would mean he wouldn’t worry that she wouldn’t fit in or make any friends.

Hope had started walking and talking much later than she she should have according to the library of parenting books that Spencer had consulted after she was first born. He had spent the first year of her life switching between states of panic and exhaustion though he admitted later that it was only partly due to taking care of a baby single handedly. The therapy had helped a lot as had JJ constantly telling him that those development targets were just a rough guide and Hope was healthy and happy and he was doing just fine. But just fine never seemed good enough and in the rare moments when Spencer was being totally honest with himself that wasn’t what really worried him, what gnawed away at the back of his mind when he couldn’t sleep and the nightmares were coming thick and fast.

* * *

The first letter had come when Hope was about a week away from turning one. Spencer thought he had been doing so well emotionally. Pouring all his energy into looking after Hope, finding somewhere new to live and finding a way to  balance his new role as a father with his old as an FBI agent meant that all the residual feelings about Mexico, his mother’s abduction and Cat had taken a backseat. Spencer had fooled himself into thinking this was the same as dealing with it.

It wasn’t, not by a long shot so when the first letter arrived and then a week later on Hope’s actual birthday the second letter came, it was like a hurricane had ripped through everything.

The first thing he had done was call JJ who called Emily who then went on what could only be described as a rampage, demanding to know how the hell a dangerous prisoner, nearly permanently in solitary confinement had managed to get two letters out to the father of the child she had posed such a great risk to. At least one person had been fired over it and Spencer didn’t now exactly how Cat was punished only that she had been.

It didn’t stop more letters arriving though.

It made him physically sick. Emily had insisted he increase his therapy sessions and that he take a few weeks off work. Rossi had stepped up, knowing first hand what it felt like to have a monster threaten your child, he had called in favours from old friends and for a while the letters had stopped.

He hadn’t read any of them past the first two. They were…graphic, taunting. They were cruel. He burnt them and after they were reduced to ash he would pick up Hope and hold her as tight as he could without hurting her. He hadn’t cried after the first letter but he would whisper his promise to her over and over again like a mantra.  _You will be safe. I’ll keep you safe. She’s not going to hurt you._

Instead of a letter it was card that arrived the day before Hope started preschool. It had a bunny on the front holding a banner that said good luck. Inside were just four words.  _Dear Hope, love Mommy._

* * *

The following afternoon Spencer made his way to the school, hovering outside with the other parents. He had been a bundle of nerves all day, unable to concentrate on anything, worried sick about Hope, She had been singing in the car on the way there that morning and she had nearly forgotten to hug Spencer goodbye before racing into the classroom. It had taken Miss Carey, the teacher several attempts to reassure him before he left.

Spencer spotted Hope surrounded by a group of other children and for a  second he feared the worst until Miss Carey appeared at his side.

“She’s a peacekeeper that one” the teacher beamed.

“Sorry?”

“There was little incident earlier. Jasmine, the little girl in the red dress, a couple of the other children started teasing her until Hope stepped in”

Spencer could see Jasmine next to Hope. She had a slightly woeful look and one fist jammed into her mouth for comfort while the other one was clasped tightly in Hope’s hand. Hope was gesturing wildly, telling some kind of story and the other boy and girl with them were listening intently.

“Who are the other two?” Spencer asked. Miss Carey looked amused.

“They were the ones doing the teasing” she said “Hope swooped in and within ten minutes everyone was friends, She has been doing that all day. I told you, you had nothing to worry about.”

Spencer nodded, not trusting himself to speak in that moment. He waved as Hope glanced up and her space split into a wide grin. She gave a quick hug to Jasmine and a wave to the other two before charging towards him, arms wide.

“Good day?” he asked as she crashed into him.

“Daddy it was the best, we did painting and we did story time and…” she carried on as they headed back to the car. She only stopped to squint at where Jasmine and her other new friends were still talking. Jasmine looked more at ease now, having taken the other girl’s hand and after a moment Hope seemed satisfied all was well and began chattering away again. Spencer took it all in, savouring every word.

“I’m glad you had fun. Miss Carey told me what you did today.” he said softly, “I am so proud of you, you know that?”

“Really?” Hope blinked “I was just being nice”

“You stepped in to help someone in need and you fixed things without anyone getting hurt. That’s more than being nice. I think we should go out to celebrate”

“Ice Cream?” Hope asked, eyes wide

“Anything you want sweetheart”

As they drove away Spencer felt like he could do pretty much anything. He could even go another ten rounds with Cat if he needed to - he felt invincible. The nagging feelings from before weren’t gone however - they were just buried, deep down and it all it would take for them to come back would be the arrival of a letter a short time in the future.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope is now nine years old and for the most part has grown up happy and healthy however the fallout from Cat's scheme have taken it's toll on Spencer.

“Hope Reid?” the Principal’s assistant, Miss Lawrence stood at the front of the classroom, her gaze sweeping over the students. Hope’s head snapped up in surprise. At the desk next to her, Jasmine fixed her with a look of concern. 

“Come with me dear” the young woman said in a kindly tone “Bring your things with you”.

Hope could feel the eyes of every one of her classmates she she made the long walk out of the room where JJ was waiting for her, her face pale and drawn.

“Hey sweetie” she said. Hope’s heart began to pound, the air around her felt cold.

“JJ what’s wrong?”

“It’s your Dad sweetie. He, um, he’s not very well. He had a bad turn at work and he had to go into hospital. He’s going to be fine though, 100% but he may have to stay a little while until he’s feeling stronger so you’re going to stay with me a little while okay?”

At nine years old, Hope was much better at reading the adults around her than most children her age. The little voice in the back of her mind was telling her that something else was very, very wrong but she couldn’t quite turn it all around so it made sense. She felt the same way when she caught some of her Dad’s friends looking at her in a slightly sad, peculiar way that she had begun to notice. Her teacher did it too sometimes and the school counsellor. They whispered too, things that didn’t quite make sense. Hope hated it but she hated it more when she caught them looking at her father the same way.  _Does he notice? Does it upset him? It upsets me._

“I wanna see him! I wanna go see my Dad” said Hope firmly. She didn’t want to upset anyone, she never did, but she had this wild feeling that if she could go and see him she could make this all better.

JJ and the Principal’s assistant shared a look.

“Please!” Hope added desperately. After a moment JJ nodded and they hurried outside.

“I spoke to the Principal and they know the situation. They’ll be on hand if you want to talk with someone at okay?” said JJ.

Hope just nodded, not really listening as JJ continued to reassure her that everything was fine. Everything didn’t feel fine.

Hope’s heart sank as they arrived and headed to the reception desk. It wasn’t the sort of hospital she had expected, instead it was the kind of place her Grandma lived in. The receptionist pointed them down the hall towards a private room. Hope gripped JJ’s hand, her tummy doing somersaults.

‘I know it seems scary” JJ said gently “But they are taking really good care of your Dad. He needs a lot of rest.”

Hope nodded again, blinking away the tears that had started to form.

“Hey hey” they stopped and JJ knelt down to look her in the eye “It’s going to be okay. I promise”

“Is his heart sick?” Hope asked. JJ frowned.

“I don’t understand”

* * *

It had a been a stormy night. Hope had tossed and turned, struggling to get comfortable. Every time she did there would be a low rumble of thunder or the branch from the tree outside her window would tap the glass and she would be pulled further away from sleep. She was so tired. It was Hope’s sixth birthday and as a special treat her Dad had taken her to the beach even though he didn’t enjoy it. It was one of Hope’s favourite places. She’d played in the sea and they’d had ice cream and she had fallen asleep in the back of the car on the drive home. Once in her own bed, however the storm has woken her up and she couldn’t get back to sleep.

Suddenly the sound of smashing cut through the other soft noises of the night. Hope sat up, heart beating fast. She tiptoed out into the hall. The door to her father’s bedroom was ajar, the bed still made so he hadn’t slept in it. She crept down the stairs, moving through the house as quietly as she could until she got to the kitchen. The light was off and the shards of a mug were scattered across the tiles. Hope squinted in the dark and bit her lip. 

Spencer was sat on the floor leaning against one of the cupboards, his knees drawn close and his head in his hands. Hope moved closer, trying to avoid the bits of broken mug, and he made no sign that her heard her. Breathing heavily, she reached out a small hand and touched his shoulder.

“Daddy?”

He jumped, stirred from wherever he was and brought crashing back to the present. He’d been crying and he looked at her confused.

“Hey sweetheart. It’s really late what are you doing up?”

“There’s a storm. It’s loud” Hope’s bottom lip began to quiver “Why are you on the floor?”

Spencer looked around, suddenly acutely aware what this all must look like to a little girl. The look of fear on her face cut right through him.

“Oh honey” He clambered to his feet awkwardly and scooped her up. She buried her face in his neck and wrapped his arms tightly around him.

“I’m fine okay” he said as he carried her into the living room and they settled down on the couch “I just - I guess I’m not feeling well and I broke the mug and…” he trailed off. He sucked at this.

“Like a cold?” Hope’s words were muffled in his rumpled shirt. He stroked her hair, the soft movements helping him keep his composure.

“Not a like a cold no. It’s just sometimes…how do I explain this? So you know how your body gets sick?”

Hope moved away so she was looking at him now. Her eyes were shiny with tears in the dark but her expression was determined, strong.  _My brave girl._  She gave a little nod.

“Well sometimes your head and your heart can get sick too. It’s not always caused by anything obvious but it can be a little scary and upsetting.”

“Are you sad? Was it the beach?”

“I am feeling a little sad and little overwhelmed but it wasn’t the beach. The beach was great because I got to spend all day with you.”

“Can I make you stop being sad and ‘whelmed? ” Spencer smiled.

“Your hugs help a lot” he said and she threw her arms around his neck again “Sometimes it just happens though and I need to find a way to deal with it”

As he said that his gaze fell on two envelopes on the coffee table. One was a letter addressed to him and the other was a birthday card for Hope. They arrived while they were out for the day.

“I love you more than anything else in the world right?” said Spencer firmly “No matter how sad I’m feeling that never changes you understand?”

“Yes Daddy. I love you too….If the beach is great can we go there every birthday? Would it make you happy?”

“Yeah that would be nice” 

“Good”

They stayed like that for about an hour, until Hope had fallen back asleep and he could carry her upstairs to bed.

* * *

JJ took a deep breath once Hope had finished explaining. At least Spencer had tried to explain to her what was happening with him instead of trying to hide it like he did with his work colleagues. Still, she was sure Hope was completely unaware of how much things had been building since the letters had started coming again. Sometimes JJ regretted pulling Spencer off of Cat in that interrogation room, then she would feel guilty. Letting that happen back then would mean that Hope wouldn’t be here now and she loved that little girl, the thought of her never being born was unthinkable. 

“Do you want to take a quick moment before we go in and see him?” JJ asked

Hope nodded and closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. JJ felt a pang as she studied her little solemn face. Clearly she was far more mature than anyone other than Spencer had given her credit for. Did that mean she was also more aware of things than they thought? There are been several heated arguments over the past few years about how much to tell Hope about her mother and those arguments had only gotten more severe since the letters. Had she heard? JJ didn’t think that Hope had asked any questions about Cat, at least not in her hearing but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to know. JJ was sure that she would as she got older.

“I’m ready” Hope broke through JJ’s thoughts. She stood up, gripped her little hand tightly and led her into the room.

Garcia was there along with Spencer and the doctor.

“Hey girl wonder!” Garcia gave a forced smile. Hope gave one back, she hated, absolutely  _hated_  being called that. Garcia did it the most but Hope didn’t want to upset anyone so she pretended she liked it. She gave a small wave and looked over to her father. 

Spencer looked so tired and he was dressed strangely. He was wearing an oversized grey sweatshirt but Hope thought she could see the glimpse of a bandage under one sleeve. She grasped JJ’s hand tighter, not sure if she should approach, everything suddenly felt mixed up, like nothing was in its proper place. Everyone felt like a stranger. The doctor was still talking in a soft, calming voice. JJ and Hope couldn’t catch the words. JJ cleared her throat and they both looked towards them. Spencer’s eyes went wide and Hope couldn’t take it anymore, barreling into him and throwing her arms around his waist. She didn’t cry. Hope was proud of that.

“Hey sweetheart” Spencer’s voice sounded strange. He broke the embrace and picked up up so they could both sit down on the bed.

“I’ll give you a little while Dr Reid but I will need to talk to you again later to go over the finer details of a treatment plan” said the doctor.

“Thank you” Spencer replied in a small voice “Can you two give us a sec too?”

“I for one am in desperate need of a coffee run so we shall see you two later? Do you want us to bring you back anything? Soda? Chips? Ooh I think there is a burrito place a few blocks-”

“We’re fine really” said Spencer. Garcia nodded, looking lost. Hope thought that there was something deeply unsettling about adults not knowing what to do, it made her tummy ache. Once they were alone, her father looked down at her, opening his mouth to speak but nothing came out. The ache grew worse.

“When are you coming home?” asked Hope.

“Soon” Spencer promised “I have to speak with the doctor and I may have to stay here a little while but I don’t think it will be too long”

“Is your heart really sick?”

“Yeah sweetheart” 

Spencer sighed and pulled Hope onto his lap. It dawned on him that one day, sooner than he would like, she would be too big for this. There was a sharp pain in his chest when he thought about her growing up, not because he didn’t want her to but because he was afraid that she would have spent all her childhood worrying over him. He had been the same way with his own mother, constantly having to step into the role of parent at a young age and though he loved his mother dearly he didn’t want that for Hope. 

“I’m sorry” Spencer said finally. Hope looked up at him, confused. “I think I wasn’t feeling right for a long time and instead of doing something I ignored it and now I’m here. I’m so sorry.”

Hope buried her face in his chest and he held her tight. Tears pricked at his eyes when she finally spoke.

“I want to stay here with you”

“I know but you can’t stay here if you’re not sick sweetheart. Plus you’re going to stay with JJ and you’ll be able to play with Michael and Henry. Think of it as a kind of vacation and then when I come home we’ll do something really special okay?”

“’Kay” mumbled Hope as Garcia and JJ returned with arms full of snacks from the vending machine.

“Good girl. Can you go with Penelope while I talk to JJ for a minute?”

Hope slid off of his lap with a nod. Penelope took her by the hand.

“I have some awesome games on my phone. Wanna see?”

“Yeah” Hope tried to sound enthusiastic but she looked back at her Dad, a worried expression on her face. Outside the room she pretended that she was paying attention while straining to hear what her Dad was saying to JJ. 

“Why on earth would you bring her to place like this? She must be terrified!”

“She is Spence but that’s because her Dad is going through something and she doesn’t know what to make of it”

They dropped their voices so Hope only caught snippets of the conversation.

“…totally irresponsible. We’re all worried about you…that woman”

“Yes Jennifer I know! When I think about it….so fucking violated…Hope…protect her…being done about it?”

“Emily will…friend at the prison…solitary confinement…been fired and there’ll be an investigation…what are you doing with them?”

“…burnt the first ones but I-”

“Please tell me they’re gone…”

“Important? One day…explain to Hope…it’s like she’s still there, in my head…Hope’s mother…gonna do?”

Hope wrenched her attention away from the conversation and tried to concentrate on the game Penelope was talking her through but she couldn’t.

_Hope’s mother._

Hope bit her lip, the churning in her stomach at fever pitch. She pushed the feeling down as hard as she could. Hope had never needed a mother, she had her father and that was enough. It never bothered her. Plenty of kids at school didn’t have a mother and a father and they were all fine. Hope had always classed herself with them. Even when Mothers’ day rolled around and everyone was making cards or little gifts Hope had always just given them to her Dad or her Grandma or JJ. It had never really crossed her mind that Mom was a real, physical person.

* * *

Afterwards Hope and JJ said one final goodbye to Spencer. Hope held him so tight that for a moment JJ thought they were going to have to drag her away.

“It’s not going to be long” Spencer reassured her but he could see the doubt in Hope’s eyes. 

Outside the hospital she burst into tears, JJ scooped her into a motherly hug but it wasn’t the same. All her words of comfort couldn’t do anything for the little girl. 

The next few days were hard. JJ debated whether to keep Hope home a little while to get her settled before finally deciding that the distraction might help. The next day Hope could hear the whispers and feel everyone’s stares. Apparently it was around the entire school. Her teachers looked at her with pity and everyone except Jasmine made her feel like a charity case. 

“But he’s gonna be fine right? Jasmine chewed her lip “And then things will go back to normal? My Mom says you can come over to our whenever you want. She’ll make her famous chicken and pasta!”

“Thanks” mumbled Hope “I just wanna go home though. I want my Dad to come home and I want people to stop staring at me”.

It was frustrating and it felt like the churning in her stomach had been replaced by pressure that was building and building. It finally blew about a week later as the kids were heading out to recess. Naomi, another girl from class bumped into her on purpose, sending her bag flying. 

“You should watch where you’re going, I don’t wanna catch any of the crazy”

Hope wasn’t sure how it happened only that it happened fast. One minute Naomi was smirking in from of her and the next she was on the floor, blood gushing from her nose while Hope’s fist was frozen in mid air. There were shouts and gasps all around around  but Hope could barely hear it. Her heart was pounding in her ears and it felt like everything had slowed down. 

* * *

Naomi had been taking to see the nurse though it was clear her nose wasn’t actually broken. Hope sat outside the Principal’s office, staring down at her feet, she hadn’t been able to meet JJ’s eyes when she came in. Hope half mumbled her side of the story and then sat in silence as JJ went in to talk with the Principal.

“You want a juice?” Miss Lawrence came and sat beside her “I have a candy bar too, just promise you won’t tell okay?”

“No thank you” said Hope miserably, her gaze still fixed on her shoes.

“You don’t have to worry about getting in trouble honey. Everyone knows you were just defending yourself. You’ve had a tough time recently”

Hope shrank back into the chair.

“Can you look at me honey?”

Reluctantly, Hope looked up at her. Miss Lawrence had kind eyes and a heart shaped face. She reminded Hope a little of JJ, they exuded the same motherly quality but she didn’t have JJ’s toughness, she was quiet, mousy. Miss Lawrence said nothing for the next few moments, making Hope start to feel uncomfortable. Neither of them heard the door to the office open.

“You know” said Miss Lawrence dreamily “You do look an awful lot like your Mama”. She reached  out towards Hope only for a hand to grab her wrist.

Hope had never seen JJ look that frightening. Her eyes were blazing and when she spoke her voice shook with the effort of maintaining control.

“Don’t you dare” 

“I was just-” Miss Lawrence began.

“Don’t speak. Hope? Are you okay?”

All Hope could do was nod.

“Sweetie I’m going to need to you to go with the Principal okay? Miss Lawrence and I are going to have a little talk”

Hope allowed herself to be led away, wondering faintly what the hell was going on and why the world seemed to be crashing down around her.

* * *

_This is the dictionary definition of a shit storm_

When JJ got home it was nearly midnight. Hours had passed since being called into Hope’s school and it felt like everything was upside down. The first thing she had done was drag the entire story out of Miss Lawrence - how she wrote letters to prisoners to offer them guidance, how she’s been so moved by this story of one particular prisoner who couldn’t see her little girl, how the relationship had evolved into something more and how she had been persuaded to take a job at the little girl’s school to “keep an eye on her”.

The FBI had come, of course. Emily had swooped in and taken charge while JJ had taken Hope home. It had taken a lot to calm her down, to reassure her that nothing was wrong it was just that Miss Lawrence wasn’t who she said she was. JJ hadn’t elaborated and she could see that Hope wasn’t satisfied. When she left Will had ordered pizza and was trying to distract all the kids with board games and movies. JJ’s heart broke for the little girl.

Back at the office all hands were on deck. Garcia went through Miss Lawrence’s life with a fine tooth comb and found she had been talking to Cat Adams for years, since just after Hope started school. The team looked through her files in disgust. Emily had basically promised to rain fire down on the people responsible and from that point forward Cat Adams was going to be the most monitored person in the prison system and every care would be taken to ensure that nothing like this happened again. JJ wasn’t so sure though. Cat was smart but more than that she was determined and if she wanted something…

Sighing, JJ headed upstairs to bed. She wanted to make sure she had a semi-decent nights sleep in preparation for visiting Spencer the next day, something she felt woefully unprepared for. 


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer was in his home office, having just finished a Skype call with the team who were pursuing a particularly nasty spree killer in Delaware. The relevant maps and victim files were spread over the floor and he was getting nowhere fast with it all. He was shaken from his reverie by the slamming of the front door and footsteps pounding up the stairs followed by another door slamming.

Alarmed he headed out into the hall.

“Hope? Hope!”

“Leave me alone!”

A range of scenarios whipped through Spencer’s mind. Years hunting the worst of the worst meant that he had a clear idea the staggering range of horrors that could happen to one person. He knew he was getting ahead of himself though and took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

“Hope what’s wrong? Talk to me sweetheart”

“Go away”. She sounded like she was crying and the noise still wounded him like it had when she was a baby. Concern and anger fought it out inside his chest. Concern won out but on the condition that anger could deal with whoever had upset her this much later.

“Hope please open the door. Did something happen at band practice? You’re home really early”

Suddenly the door flew open. The gangly thirteen year old fixed him with a ferocious scowl. Her eyes were red and puffy, he wouldn’t be surprised if it had turned out she had cried the whole way home from school.

“Band is stupid. I quit” Hope half shouted then her tone softened as she added “I don’t wanna talk about it”. She turned and slumped down on the bed. Spencer sat down beside her and she began to cry again.

“Can I ask why?” his voice was gentle “You love playing in the band. What about your friends? Isn’t there a social thing this weekend-”

Hope turned over burying her face in her pillow. Spencer paused. Teenagers had been a mystery to him when he had been one, he was so out of his depth right then that he half wished he could deal with a nice straightforward sociopath instead.

“I asked Sam if he wanted to go to the dance with me this weekend” Hope finally said, in a small voice.

_Oh God. Please give me the sociopath instead._

“And he said no?”

Hope sat up abruptly.

“He said he only goes out with pretty girls!” The look on her face was one of utter devastation. Anger flared up in Spencer’s chest. How dare someone make her feel that way?

“Sam is moronic” said Spencer savagely, wiping the tears from Hope’s face “You are a beautiful g-”

“You’re only saying that because you’re my Dad!” Hope cried “Look at me! You know Alicia Daniels? Sam’s taking her instead because she has perfect hair, flawless skin and she wears a C cup. Plus she knows all about fashion and  I look like a kid standing next to her - an ugly kid.”

Hope turned to bury her face in the pillow again. Spencer’s hand hovered in the air uselessly. How long had she felt this way? He tried to summon some words of comfort but nothing would come. His chest hurt and he feel useless. Instead of speaking he smoothed down her mass of unruly curls, the way he did when she was little, when she could bring any problem to him and he could fix it.

“I used to feel the same way when I was your age” he said eventually, not know if his words were going to be of any help at all. When she didn’t respond he continued “I felt awkward and ugly and like nothing about me was right and you know what? Tonnes of people feel that way when they’re growing up because when you’re a teenager you aren’t done yet. You’re still growing into the person you’re going to be; physically, mentally, emotionally. I bet there are things Alicia Daniels doesn’t like about herself, everyone has that. I know that doesn’t change how you’re feeling now but I promise you, hand on heart that in time this won’t hurt forever.”

Hope turned to face him. She had stopped crying but her face was puffy and her eyes were still red. Spencer looked down at her hopefully. 

“I guess so” Hope said flatly and Spencer’s heart sank a little.

“You wanna come down and maybe we could start dinner?”

“If it’s okay with you I’d rather just be by myself for a bit”

Spencer bit his lip but tried to hide his hurt.

“Sure sweetheart. Come down whenever you’re ready.”

* * *

Hope didn’t come down for the rest of the evening. When Spencer paused at her bedroom door before bed he couldn’t hear crying and he guessed she had fallen asleep. The next morning she barely said two words over breakfast before running out the door for school. He tried to distract himself, unsuccessfully, with work. His call to Garcia about the UNSUB’s hunting ground eventually evolved into a conversation about Hope, with Spencer spilling out the whole story.

“I bet I can dig up plenty of dirt on this Sam kid” Garcia offered

“I don’t think that will help” said Spencer “Though I guess it can’t be worse than  my advice. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Boy wonder you just need to give her time” said Garcia “Even you can’t fix a broken heart over night. As for the other stuff, let her know you love her and that it’s okay to feel that way but those kind of thoughts aren’t automatically right.”

“Thanks Garcia”

It was three days later, when the Delaware case was finally closed and Spence returned from  a day working in the office on paperwork, that he came home to find Hope staring into the mirror in their living room.

“Hey” he said softly.

“Hey, how was work?”

“A lot of paperwork but it’s over and done with now. It was a bad one”

Hope nodded but said nothing. Instead she turned back to her reflection, studying it closely.

“How was school?” asked Spencer. What he really meant was, how are you dealing with what happened the other day?

“Sam asked if I still wanted to go to the dance with him”

“Oh?”

“Turns out Alicia is going to the dance with Jasmine. I told Sam to get lost”

Spencer moved forward and pulled Hope into a hug. She was getting taller, she wasn’t his baby anymore, her head came just under his chin, her wild hair tickling him.

“Good, he doesn’t deserve you” said Spencer and Hope gave a small laugh. 

“He’s an idiot” she said, pulling away “Can I ask you something Dad?”

“Anything”

“Do I look like my Mom?”

* * *

Four years ago, over a week into his stay at the hospital, JJ and Emily had been waiting in his room when he returned from group therapy. The look on their faces had told him what was wrong. Apparently there had been some debate over whether to tell him at all and as distressing as the thought of one of Cat’s lackeys getting so close to Hope was, he was glad they had.

JJ calmly talked him through the whole thing and they had both waited for him to process this news.

“She had a spy in Hope’s school” Spencer was dazed, his blood felt like it had turned to ice.

“It’s been dealt with” said Emily, firmly.

“But Hope is going to have questions and you’re going to have to answer them eventually” said JJ

“I know but how can I tell her about Cat? About what happened? What would that do to her?”

“She’ll know if you’re lying” said JJ, frustrated “This whole thing is messed up and she has no idea why any of it is happening.”

“Luke and Rossi swung by your apartment and there was a get well soon card for you and letter for Hope” said Emily “JJ says that you’ve started keeping them. Why?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. Evidence against Cat? Maybe a way to explain to Hope one day?”

“I’m not sure that’s the way to do it” JJ frowned.

Spencer rubbed his eyes.

“Is there a good way to do it?”

* * *

Spencer hoped to god that his face didn’t betray how he was feeling. He felt like he had been preparing for this day since before Hope was born and yet he couldn’t scramble his thoughts into anything coherent. 

“You must miss her a lot” said Hope, just when Spencer thought he couldn’t be caught more off guard.

“Why would you say that?”

Hope shrugged.

“You never talk about her. I always thought it was because it was too painful, because you loved her so much”

Spencer pulled Hope back into another hug, the room seeming to spin. He knew what he should do, he knew he should sit Hope down and explain everything while simultaneously sparing her the worst details. He knew it but he just couldn’t.

“I guess I do. It’s just felt easier that way.”

_Liar_

“What was her name?” Hope asked suddenly “What was she like? Was she creative, is that why I like music so much?”

Spencer swallowed, this could get out of hand really easily and yet that note in Hope’s voice cut straight through to his core.

“Maeve, her name was Maeve”

_Lying Coward._

“That’s a pretty name!” Hope looked up at him “What did she do?”

“Ah she was a geneticist, one of the smartest people I’ve ever met”

“Oh” Hope’s face fell and she stepped out of the hug and ambled to the sofa.

“What’s wrong?” Had she sensed the lie? 

“I just thought maybe since I’m not like you, I was more like her but if she was smart like you…”

“You’re smart”

Hope shrugged. She got average grades, slightly above average in the subjects she liked but she wasn’t a genius. Hope couldn’t read 10,000 words a minute, she didn’t have an eidetic memory and she had never measured her IQ but she knew it was going to be closer to 100 than 186.

“I like music and art and a little bit of history” she explained “I hate science and math, god I really hate math. I just…I guess everyone just assumes that because it’s your thing it’s mine too. Penelope still gets me stuff like microscopes and test tubes as birthday and Christmas presents. Ugh and she still calls me ‘Girl Wonder’”

Hope pulled a face. Actually all of her father’s teammates still called her that every so often and she loathed it.

“Hope you’re your own person and I love you for that. I love that fact that you sing along with all the songs on the radio - no exceptions, I love the little sketches you do when you’re trying to relax and how you spent an entire summer learning to play the Imperial March on the recorder. Those things have nothing to do with who your parents are, that’s all uniquely you and I think it’s wonderful”

Hope smiled and for a moment all felt right with the world.

“Do I look anything like her though?”

“You look more like me” Spencer said, brushing her hair out of her eyes “Especially the hair and the eyes”. That wasn’t technically a lie, Hope did look more like him than Cat.

“JJ says we pull the same faces”

“Yeah we do!” Spencer laughed “But you’re kind like she was, so unbelievably kind”

“Dad?” Hope asked cautiously “How…how did she die?”

Spencer had never outright told Hope that her mother was dead but he supposed that anyone would have assumed the same thing. He bit his lip.

“You don’t have to say if you don’t want” said Hope in a quiet voice.

“It was…very sudden” said Spencer after a moment’s hesitation “That’s all I can say”. Hope threw her arms around him.

“Thank you”

“For what?”

“Talking about her even though it hurts”

Spencer felt like he had been stabbed.

“I love you Hope, more than anything else in world. You know that right?”

“I know. I love you too”

He held her for a few moments more before sending her to wash up before dinner. A sense of dread was simmering deep inside him.

_She’ll find out one day. She was always going to find out and on top of all that she’ll find out that you lied to her face. How will she ever forgive you for a betrayal like that?_


	4. Chapter 4

“Do you have everything?” Spencer asked for the millionth time. Hope rolled her eyes.

“Dad I checked everything half a dozen times” she explained “Please stop worrying. I’ll be an hour away so I can come home if I forget anything or if you are missing me too much”

“I’m already missing you” said Spencer softly. Where had the years gone? It seemed like yesterday that he and JJ had been waiting in that hospital room and he had no idea what to do and now Hope was leaving home and starting college. She had decided to combine her love of art with her overwhelming desire to help people and wanted to train as an art therapist.

“Aw Dad!” she threw her arms around him “I won’t be far and I will phone you everyday.” When she released him from her embrace she fixed him with a concerned look. “You will call me if you need me to come home right?”

“I will but honestly Hope you have nothing to worry about. You have more important things to think about”

Spencer had never been as bad as the time he had been hospitalised. There had been bad days and a couple of bad weeks but he was better at dealing with it now. It helped that he and Hope could talk about pretty much anything. Strangely though she had never asked about Maeve again. A small part of him wanted to bring it up but the rational part of him knew it was too dangerous - a simple Google search would unravel the entire lie. Spencer felt a small twinge of guilt every time he thought about it. He knew that the reason Hope didn’t bring it up was out of concern for him and that just made him feel even worse about lying.

“I can do both” laughed Hope “Now come on, I don’t wanna miss anything!”

* * *

Hope took to college life like a duck to water. It reminded Spencer of her first day of school, when she had run in so excited, she had barely paused to look back at him. He told himself that was the way it was supposed to be - Hope should be out in the big wide world, trying new things, meeting new people, thriving.

Hope kept her promise to phone everyday telling Spencer all about her classes, her new friends, the part time job she got in the music store, her volunteer work and her new neighbour across the hall.

‘Yeah his name’s Isaac, he’s in a band, we take a few classes together and we’ve been sharing notes. He’s so funny.” The warmth in Hope’s voice was music to Spencer’s ears.

“Isaac huh?”

“Dad stop it’s not like that” but the way Hope said it told Spencer it was  _exactly_  like that.

“I didn’t say anything. Maybe you should invite him over when you next come home?”

“Yeah that would be nice. I mean I don’t know if he thinks we’re those kind of friends… I mean I can try… Oh thanks for the books by the way!”

“What books?”

“The textbooks? They arrived this morning. Dad you shouldn’t have, those are really expensive, I could have gotten them from the library.”

Spencer swallowed, his heart beating furiously in his chest.

“I - I didn’t send you any textbooks. Was there a note? A card? Anything?” Spencer tried his best not to sound panicked.

“No… I thought it a mistake at first but it’s definitely my name on the package. Maybe I have a secret admirer huh?”

“Maybe” Spencer tried to keep his voice light “I’ll let you get back to studying but we’ll talk tomorrow right?”

“Right, love you”

“Love you too”

Spencer hung up and took a deep breath to try and steady himself before calling Emily.

“She’s done it again”

“Spencer? What are you talking about? Who’s done it again?”

“A bunch of textbooks were just sent to Hope with no note, I think it’s Cat”

“Okay. We’ll look into it. Keep calm, it could be nothing.”

‘Or it could be Cat reaching out to Hope again! In fact get Garcia to check out the kid across the hall from her. Isaac, apparently he’s getting friendly with Hope”  
  
“You want me to start doing in depth searches on Hope’s friends” said Emily in an unimpressed tone.

“Emily she got a teacher in Hope’s school. Who’s to say she hasn’t done it again? We should check out all the people in the dorm, her professors, she’s just started volunteering at a centre so-”

“Spencer you need to calm down”

“No Emily I’m not gonna calm down, this is my daughter we’re talking about and I am not letting that psychopath ruin her life!”

Spencer didn’t bother hanging up before he flung the phone across the room. It left a dent in the wall it hit before crashing to the floor in pieces. He was breathing heavily and shaking, he’d felt like this before and it had ended with him in a hospital for eight weeks, unable to protect Hope. He found the door frame that he had marked her height on every year on her birthday, brushing the marks tenderly. Hope wasn’t a little girl anymore but she was still _his_ little phone. 

Suddenly the house phone rang, making him jump. he looked at in a daze before it rang again and he seized the receiver.

“Don’t break this one okay?” came Emily’s dry voice “Garcia is going to run the background checks and Luke and Tara are talking to the postal service to track this package. I want you in the office okay?”

“Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Emily?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks”

* * *

Thankfully, Isaac who was in a band turned out to have no connection to Cat whatsoever. Garcia had found out more about him generally but Spencer refused to look. Being concerned for Hope’s safety was one thing but he didn’t want to abuse his position and her sense of trust in that way unless she was in danger. Everyone else at the university checked out too but it did nothing to dissuade the sick feeling of dread in the pit of Spencer’s stomach. Luke and Tara arrived back after talking to the postal service with a solution to the mystery.

“So some kid name Isaac arranged for the books to be delivered to Hope” said Luke with a grin “The guy at the post office said he looked quote “like a labrador in a band tee” apparently he has a bit of a crush on Hope”

“Those were expensive textbooks for a college kid” Spencer frowned.

“I know you didn’t want me to snoop into this kid” said Garcia slowly “But his parents are hella rich so not expensive for him. Plus he’s been messaging a friend of his about how to best impress “the prettiest girl in the dorm”. You know if Hope isn’t interested I’ll date this kid. is that weird?”

“Very” quipped Luke

“She does like him back” said Spencer, slightly dazed. He had fully prepared himself for the worst and was relieved but he still felt anxious though now he wasn’t sure what about.

Emily put her hand on his arm.

“Hope will be fine. I promise”

“I know, it’s just… it worked out okay this time but what about next time?

“Spencer you can’t spend the rest of your lives waiting for something terrible to happen” said JJ gently “You’ll miss all the wonderful things”

They were right. he knew they were right.

* * *

It took a while for Spencer to let himself relax. He and Hope still spoke everyday, sometimes for over an hour, telling each other about their day. Hope loved her classes and she loved working with children. 

Every other weekend she came home and after about a year she started to bring Isaac too. It took a while for the twinge of guilt Spencer felt every time he saw him to go away; he tried to tell himself that it was all for Hope’s safety but he still felt bad. Mostly he felt bad because he saw the way Isaac looked at Hope, like she had put the stars in the sky, but he was so grateful they had found each other.

They moved in together a week after graduation. Spencer helped them shift the boxes into the little apartment about a forty-five minutes drive from their home. His home, he thought with a pang, Hope had her own home now. Spencer watched as they laughed and joked and had little mock arguments about where the furniture would go. _Everything will be okay, she’s going to be okay_ , he thought and for the first time in a long time he felt relaxed and reassured.

He should have known better.

* * *

It had been a long day - fuck it, a long week. Every muscle in Hope’s body was protesting but she hardly noticed. She sat down on the sofa in the little apartment that had been home for two years and turned the letter in her hands over and over. Even without and eidetic memory she knew the words off by heart, having read them over and over every spare minute of the past week. Hope’s eyes stung but she forced the tears back down.

Everything in her life was a lie.

Everyone in her life had lied to her everyday.

Her phone buzzed for the third time that day but she ignored it. Isaac had been worried about her since the letter had arrived on the Tuesday morning. There hadn’t been an address, just her name printed in small neat letters, when she had stuck her head out of the front door the person who pushed it through the mail slot had already gone. Hope hadn’t known what to expect when she opened it but it hadn’t been that.

_Dear Hope,_

_I have no idea if this letter will reach you. I’ve tried so many times over the years to get in touch - i sent you a card on your birthday, when you graduated high school - but nothing has worked. Your father has always been militant in his efforts to keep us apart. In a small way I can understand that - he has been through a lot and he isn’t good at regulating his emotions, he wants you for himself and if I was in his position, honestly I’m not sure I wouldn’t be selfish too._

_However there is something unnatural about keeping a mother away from her child that no amount of fear or selfishness can justify. You have no idea how badly I have missed you. They wouldn’t even let me hold you when you were born - I don’t even know what colour your eyes are. I nearly every waking moment thing about you. I know that when you were little you liked art, do you still draw? Do you visit art museums or go to concerts? Or do you like different things now? Do you look more like me or more like him? Have you fallen in love? Are you happy?_

_That’s all I want, more than anything else in the world. I want for you to be happy._

_It’s difficult for me to send letters out but I will try. Even if they throw me back into a hole. Even if your father hurts me again. I swear to God I will try my beautiful girl. You are at the point in your life when you probably want to start coming to your mother for advice._

_All the love in the world,_

_Your Mom_

It felt like the ground had disappeared under Hope’s feet and the world started to spin. 

“Hope? Hope!” Isaac’s arms were around her, cradling her like a child “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

Hope hadn’t realised she was and her silent tears turned into loud, angry sobs. The letter was still clenched in her fist. Hope couldn’t scrape together a single coherent thought, just sank to the ground along with Isaac with his arms still around her. 

They stayed like that for what seemed like ages. When Hope had finally stopped crying Isaac helped her to the sofa and she allowed him to read the letter.

“Wow”

“Really? That’s all you can say? Wow.”

“You need to phone your Dad. See if any of this real”

“No” said Hope sharply “I can’t - if this is real I - I wanna check something out first”

“What?”

“He told me my mother’s first name years ago and the fact she was geneticist and I have a rough death year because I would have been really young since I can’t remember her at all. If I can verify any of that then I know the letter is bullshit but if not…God Isaac if it turns out to be a lie, how can I trust him?” Hope began to sob again. Isaac kissed her on her forehead then on her cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb. He shushed her gently, stroking her hair.

“Okay” his voice was soft, soothing “ We’ll see what we can dig up and then take it from there.”

Isaac did most of the searching, Hope was shaking far too much. They couldn’t find anything online about a Maeve Reid and Hope had always just assumed her mother had the same surname. They searched for obituaries in the few years after Hope’s birth and got nothing. No tribute pages on university websites, no record of her at all. Eventually Hope fell asleep on the couch. It was around two in the morning when Isaac shook her awake. He didn’t need to say anything, the look in his eyes was enough. 

“She isn’t real? He was lying?”

“Yes and no” said Isaac hesitantly “I found a Maeve who was a geneticist who died and I think she’s the one. But Hope, she died about five years before you were born”

_Oh my God, it was all a lie._

“Are you sure-”

“There was a newspaper article. This woman was murdered during a standoff between her killer…and the BAU. It was vague about the details. You’d need to see a crime report for that.”

Hope didn’t respond, the was felt like they were closing in.

“Hope? Hope, I think you should phone your Dad in the morning, or we could go over? It might be better to do this in person”

“No”

“But-”

“No!”

By the same time the following week, Isaac was still trying to persuade her but Hope wouldn’t budge.

“I want to get everything straight in my head first” she kept saying and Isaac couldn’t get her to elaborate. He held her when she cried at night and gave her space she needed but he was growing increasingly worried. Isaac half wondered if he should call Spencer himself but he knew Hope would never forgive him.

Hope meanwhile, picked apart every sentence trying to get as much information as possible. The last paragraph was what alarmed her most.

_It’s difficult for me to send letters out but I will try. Even if they throw me back into a hole._

Was she locked up? Was she hospitalised? 

_Even if your father hurts me again._

Hope felt a stab in her chest every time she read that. Did she mean physically? How was Hope supposed to reconcile that image with the man who had raised her? The man who had rocked her to sleep as a baby? The man who had tended to her cuts and bruises? The same man who had held her in that hospital room all those years ago and promised everything would be okay.

Finally Hope couldn’t stand it anymore, she stuffed the letter in her pocket and headed over to her childhood home. Spencer would be at the office so she had a little while. The attic was the first place she looked, then the garage and then finally Spencer’s office. They were buried at the bottom of the filing cabinet, in a little bundle tied together with string. 

_I’ve tried so many times over the years to get in touch - I sent you_ _cards on your birthday, when you graduated high school - but nothing has worked._

There was about two dozen separate envelopes. Half had her name on but half were addressed to her father. That was interesting, maybe she had tried to reason with him or maybe there was a part of her that still loved him. Had they ever been in love? Hope supposed they had to have been, there must have been some relationship there, why else would they have a child together?

There were too many questions and quite honestly, Hope wasn’t sure if she wanted all of them to be answered. Hope just grabbed everything, not bothering to separate the envelopes with her name on and ran out the house.

* * *

Spencer was at the office, catching on paperwork when he phone rang. He smiled as Hope’s name came up.

“He sweetheart, you don’t-”

“You lied”

Just like that Spencer felt there was heavy weight in his stomach.

“Hope what are-”

“My mom. Everything you told me was a lie”

“Hope I-”

“Yes or no. Were you telling me the truth?”

Spencer couldn’t bring himself to answer.

“Hope please it’s complicated. Can you meet me at home?”

JJ looked up from the next desk over with a frown.

“What the hell makes you think I want to hear anything you have to say? My mother wanted to see me my entire life and you stopped her, you stopped me from seeing her! You even told me a complete stranger was my mother! That woman was dead years before I was even born!” Hope yelled.

“Has she got in contact with you? Hope, you can’t trust her, she’s very dangerous. Where are you?”

“She said you hurt her” said Hope bluntly “Is that true?”

Spencer’s mind flashed back to the interrogation room, his hand’s around Cat’s throat. Hope had begun to cry.

_This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening._

“Oh my god” Hope sobbed. He wasn’t even denying it.

“Hope please give me a chance to explain everything okay? I swear to you, everything I did was to keep you safe. Please tell me where you are so I can meet you”

“No. No, you’re a liar and I-” Hope was crying so hard now that Spencer couldn’t hear the end of the sentence before she hung up. He kept trying to call her back but it went straight to voicemail. Spencer swore violently, dragging his hands through his hair. JJ was immediately by his side.

“Tell me” she said simply.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Hope didn’t know where to go, she drove around for hours before she realised where she wanted to be. Once she’d arrived it felt like a stupid choice but she was too tired to go anywhere else. Hope stretched out on the back seat and began to make her way through the cards and letters, quickly getting the impression that there had been earlier attempts to contact her that her father had destroyed. Hope wondered idly why he’d kept these ones.

Every word made her heart ache. Every “Happy Birthday Darling!” with the i dotted with a heart made her yearn for something that she had never known she wanted. Every line about wondering what her favourite food was, or hoping that she had lots of friends at school cut deep.  The letter she had written when her father was in hospital was the hardest, all the talk about her mother wanting to hold her and tell her everything would be okay and about how she knew how terrified Hope must be left her with a gaping, empty feeling in her chest. 

Hope cried so hard that it was wonder she had any tears left, she took a couple of deep shuddering breaths to steady herself. Once she was composed her gaze drifted down to the discarded letters, the one with Spencer’s name on them. Hope frowned, she knew that after all that had happened she shouldn’t be concerned with violating his privacy but it still felt wrong. Finally after a few moments, she pushed those thoughts aside and grabbed the first envelope.

* * *

 

“You told her Maeve was her mother? Spence that’s-”

“I know JJ! I know it was stupid and selfish and I may have driven Hope away forever because I was too much of a coward”

“Okay, you said you think Cat has managed to get a message to her? I’ll let Emily know and we can head down to the prison”

“I need to find Hope and honestly I can’t deal with Cat while I’m thinking about her”

“Have you tried her apartment?”

“Yeah, Isaac is there, he can’t get through to Hope either. God JJ, that letter came a week ago. Isaac gave me the gist of what’s in it. Hope must hate me.”

“Hope’s angry - there’s a difference. Where would she go?”

“I don’t know!” said Spencer “I can’t think straight”

“Was there anywhere special? Anywhere you would take her when she was a kid. All she wants right now is to feel safe”

“I can’t-” Spencer stopped suddenly, like a switch had been flicked in his head “Can I borrow your car?”

* * *

 

Hope sat on the beach, the wind whipping her hair around her, stinging her cheeks and the waves crashing onto the sand. It barely registered with her, she felt numb, disconnected. It was grey, overcast day and it seemed likely that the heavens would open up at any moment but Hope just sat there. All she wanted, more than anything, was to go back before any of this had happened. A week ago life was perfect. Hope had Isaac, she had a job she loved, a father that meant the world to her and she was at the start of a new and exciting life and now it felt like everything was in pieces.

Hope hugged her legs to her chest, unafraid of more tears, it felt like they had all been shed. In the distance there seemed to be someone shouting but she didn’t even turn. What the hell was she going to do now? Everything was different and wrong. The last time she had felt this lost was when JJ took her home from the hospital after going to see her Dad the first time. 

“Hope?”

Hope blinked and turned to see her Dad stumbling down on the beach in a half run. In a kind of stupor she clambered gracelessly to her feet and stared at him in shock.

“Hope!”. Spencer stopped before reaching her, figuring she probably wasn’t in the mood to talk with him. “I was so worried I thought-”

“You must hate me” Hope said in a small voice “Why are you here?”Spencer frowned and inched closer. She’d clearly been crying; her voice was hoarse and  she was clasping something to her chest.

“Sweetheart, what are you talking about?”

“I read them” Spencer could see what she was holding as she lifted it up uselessly “Not just mine. Yours too.” Spencer’s heart dropped and he could see Hope was shaking, she looked like her knees were going to go out from under her at any moment. Her lip began to tremble.“You must hate me so much” 

Spencer moved forward, his brain struggling to match what she was saying to the package in her hand or the events of the past week. Then it clicked.

“Oh no, God no Hope, how could you even think that?” he said gently.

“Because of what she did to you. She’s a - my mother was a monster and how can you even stand to look at me? Why would you even keep me? I don’t -” the tears were coming thick and fast now in choking breaths. In one swift movement Spencer pulled Hope towards him. She howled into his chest, a sound that devastated him. Idly he wondered how much detail the letters had gone into, he’d never read them, he was perfectly fine not reliving that particular experience but he knew how much Cat enjoyed inflicting pain and he bet that she wouldn’t have passed up the opportunity that those letters gave her to twist the knife in, even at the expense of Hope finding out.

Spencer carried on holding Hope as she cried. In all honesty he couldn’t think of anything to say so he held her tightly and stroked her hair like when she was a baby as the sobs grew fainter.

“I love you” he said simply “There was never anything else to it. You’re the most precious thing in the world to me and I would die for you. All I wanted was for you to be happy and I figured the best way for me to do that was to hide the truth about your mother from you”

“But-” Hope looked up at him, confused “You still knew. You struggled with that all on your own”.

“Not on my own” Spencer said softly “I had the team, my family. Emily made sure that I got help, I still talk to someone regularly. I had you, my baby.”

“What she says though” Spencer felt Hope shudder in his arms “Dad those letters are terrible”

“Cat Adams is a psychopath. Those letters were designed to inflict maximum pain on me. How about we get in the car and I tell you my side of the story? You can ask me anything you want and I promise that every word will be the truth, no matter how painful okay?” Hope nodded and allowed herself to be led to the car. 

Inside, Spencer slowly and steadily told her the whole story starting with his mother’s illness, his arrest in Mexico and moving through his time in prison, Diana’s abduction up to confronting Cat. Hope didn’t interrupt but held his hands the entire time, giving them a small squeeze overtime he had to pause and collect himself.

“Is that why you went to hospital that one time? Some kind of breakdown? You said that there was something you hadn’t dealt with” Spencer nodded.

“Yeah, that was just after the letters started arriving again. I was terrified that she was going to do something to hurt you and that I wouldn’t be able to stop her.”

"Were you scared that I was like her?”

“I never thought you were like her, not for one moment. You have always been kind and selfless, I never thought that for one minute!”

“And Maeve? You didn’t pluck a random woman from a case out of thin air. Who was she to you?” Hope asked softly, she had a suspicion about the answer.

“I loved her very much. I guess...I don’t know why I told you that. I should have told you the truth but...”

“I understand. I didn’t realise how badly I wanted to know about her even when I asked you that time. I never pressed it because what you told me seemed enough but I always wondered and then the letter last week-” Hope pulled it out and pressed it into Spencer’s hands “That teacher, the one JJ confronted years ago, she was working with Cat?” Spencer nodded as he scanned the letter.

“I think she had people watching you. I was worried when those text books turned up but that was - did Isaac tell you it was him?”

“Eventually. You thought it was Cat?”

“Yeah I was terrified. I went to the BAU and Garcia looked into everyone in your life”

“Wow”. That was going to be a conversation for later.

“What’s happening now?” Spencer frowned “’You are at the point in your life when you probably want to start coming to your mother for advice’ What could she possibly mean by that?” Hope smiled.

“I was going to tell you but then the letter came and I was so angry with you and then I felt like I needed to get a grasp on who I was, it’s more important now than ever.” Spencer looked at her cluelessly as her grin grew wider.“I’m about six weeks”

The words ‘six weeks what’ were nearly out of Spencer’s mouth before he realised. He sat there looking at Hope in shock.

“Please say something Dad” He pulled her into another hug.

“That’s wonderful sweetheart. That is the best news ever.”

They stayed like that for a little while before starting the long drive home. Hope fell asleep in the passenger seat and Spencer had a flashback to the first time they had driven home from the beach, a birthday years ago. With a smile he wondered if they would do the same thing again in a few years time for another child’s birthday.

* * *

 

It was fairly typical way to come into the world. A young mother wincing as she waddled up and down the hospital room. Her father and her boyfriend trying their hardest to comfort her.

“I love you both, honestly I do” said Hope “But I need you both to stop talking, please for the love of God”

“How about I see if I can get some ice chips?” said Spencer. Hope looked at him gratefully “Back in a sec”

Outside the room he texted JJ with an update; the entire BAU team was eagerly waiting for news. They had been wonderful from the moment he and Hope had come back from the beach. Spencer had dropped her off at home with two promises. Firstly Cat was going to be dealt with once and for all and secondly from that point onwards it was only going to be the truth between them.

The first promise was dealt with swiftly. While Spencer had been with Hope, JJ and Emily had been at the prison with Cat.

“Let’s just say it’s three nil to the BAU on that front” said Emily in a tone that dissuaded Spencer from asking for more details “We have a name, a neighbour of Hope and Isaac’s”

“He’s in custody and we are working to get Cat transferred to the other side of the country.” said JJ.

“I told Hope everything” said Spencer “She wanted to know why I didn’t hate her”

“She’ll understand when she’s a parent” smiled JJ

“Which will actually be sooner than expected...”

Spencer smiled at the memory. It had been hard at first, the truth was unwieldy and painful for both of them. There had been sleepless nights, bouts of crying and a few shouting matches but now they were in good place. Hope had started talking a therapist too and they made a point of restarting the weekend dinners and following them up with a long chat, just the two them. Spencer loved those moments best of all, when they could talk about anything and everything.

* * *

 

After ten hours of labour the newest addition to the extended BAU family came into the world. It was a vastly different arrival to her mother but she was no less loved.

“Do you have a name picked out?” Spencer asked

“We have a few ideas” said Hope “Isaac likes Grace as a first name”

“It was my mother’s name. We were hoping for Diana as a middle name?” Isaac added.

“That would be amazing” said Spencer.

“And she’s going to be a Reid” added Hope “We both agreed”

“Grace Reid” Spencer said “It’s a good name”

Hope smiled and gazed down lovingly at her daughter.

“She’s is going to be the luckiest, happiest, most loved little girl in the world”


	6. The Soundtrack Of Our Lives (Bonus Chapter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were a few things that didn't make it into the main story so I am adding a number of one shots to explore other parts of Hope and Spencer's lives. This one explores Hope's life long love of music.

“Shh, it’s okay, its okay. Don’t cry. It’s okay. Shhh” Spencer repeated the words desperately for what felt like the hundredth time. He was so tired that his eyes ached and if Hope didn’t stop crying and settle down then Spencer was likely to start howling too.

He should just call JJ, that would make the most sense, she had two children of her own and years of experience in calming babies. Calling her would feel like an admission of failure though and after everything he had been through Spencer at least wanted to be able to say he could look after his own child.

Tears rolled down Hope’s chubby cheeks and her little fists were clenched. Spencer had tried feeding her, changing her, rocking her. He had tried rubbing her back, jiggling a toy in front of her face and then Spencer had even tried singing to her, off key and with nothing resembling rhythm. That had calmed Hope down slightly but she was still fussing. Hope squirmed in her father’s arms and Spencer didn’t think he had ever felt more useless in his entire life, even when he was in prison. 

“I don’t know what to do” he murmured to himself. He started to hum again and Hope’s cries turned into painful sounding whimpers. Spencer looked around wildly before laying eyes on the tacky carousel that Penelope had brought over when the team had helped him bring Hope home. It was made of lurid pink plastic and the horses were glittery unicorns with slightly lopsided expressions. Spencer thought it was probably one of the ugliest thing he’d ever seen but it had been Penelope’s since she was little girl and it had apparently given her comfort from nightmares, daily troubles and the sorrows of life. 

Balancing Hope on his hip, with his free hand Spencer turned it over and wound it up. When he set it back down, it shuddered into life and began to turn after a moment, a mechanism churning out a tinny version of The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. Hope’s sobs stopped and she was transfixed as the little figures lurched up and down. 

“You like that huh?” said Spencer as his daughter followed the movement, lulled by the tune. “You know Tchaikovsky didn’t like it? He thought his other work was better and he only accepted the job for money and now it’s one of the most famous ballets in the world. Strange isn’t it?” Hope blinked up at him as the tune continued to play and he wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks. Then the music box juddered to a halt and after a moment’s hesitation Hope burst into tears again.

“Hey, hey” said Spencer grabbing the box and starting to wind it up again “Hey it’s okay, see?” The carousel whirred into life again and immediately Hope cheered up, making little grabby movements with her hands. It took another six repetitions before Hope was asleep, curled up against him. Spencer could barely move and he laid her down in the crib as gently as he could, making sure to keep the music box close by in case she woke in the night.

* * *

The Jareau/La Montagne house was a flurry of tinsel, torn wrapping paper and general chaos. Now that Hope was getting big enough to enjoy Christmas they had invited Spencer and Hope to their to save him from getting overwhelmed. JJ knew the last few months had been tough ones for Spencer, he had gone through a particularly dark patch and she was just thankful that Hope was still little enough to be unaware. 

Presents from parents had been opened and JJ had presented Hope and her own two boys with gifts from the rest of the BAU team. Rossi had gifted them all little Chicago Cubs shirts, Luke had given Hope a little stuffed Roxy of her own, comics for Henry and a painting kit for Michael, there were books from Tara and Emily had given Henry some new soccer gear, Michael some movies she knew he would like and Hope was given a new doll, a stack of colouring books, a soft monkey and her own Sugar Plum Fairy costume. Spencer grinned as she squealed in delight, knowing that as much as Emily adored all the BAU children, Hope held a special place in her heart.

“Okay these ones are from Garcia” said JJ, dragging a heavy bag into the middle of the room.

“She’s toned it down this year” said Will as JJ began dishing out dozens of boxes to the excited children. 

“How many are there?” asked Spencer as the gifts kept coming.

“Less than last year I think” said JJ “This is still better than Henry’s first Christmas.”

“Twenty or so gifts on the day and then things were still turning up in the mail in March” explained Will.

“I think we owe Penelope an extra big thank you when we see her next, right Hope?” said Spencer as he ruffled her hair. Hope just nodded, her eyes as big as saucers as the pile of presents threatened to obscure her. 

Garcia had pretty much covered all the bases in regards to clothes, toys, books, games, candy and assorted little treats. There was one box for Hope left, bigger than all the others, she needed Spencer’s help to rip of the paper. His heart dropped when it was revealed and he could see JJ and Will trying to stifle giggles.

“Oh wow!” exclaimed Hope, jumping up and down “Can I open it?”

“Maybe lunch first” said Spencer, praying she would forget by then or be distracted by one of the other gifts.

Who in their right mind buys a three year old a drum kit?

“We were at the store and they had one on display and the girl working there asked if Hope wanted to have a go and she just looked so cute sitting there and she was really good and haven’t they done studies about kids learning music at a young age and how good it is for there brains? That’s definitely a thing right?” said Garcia, hoping to placate Spencer.

Rossi had invited everyone round to spend New Years’ Eve at his house and according to Spencer this was the first time in a week that Hope has been away from her favourite present, not including sleeping.

“You have to admit she has good rhythm at her age” pointed out JJ. Usually Spencer would have been able to reel off facts about typical ages for developing co-ordination but at the moment it was like he could still hear the drumming in his head. It was unlikely he could get rid of it without upsetting Hope but there was a chance he could try and temp her towards a more pleasant sounding instrument.

* * *

He was locked in again and he couldn’t get out. Spencer felt like he was suffocating. He thrashed about, crying out for someone, anyone, to help and the force of his movements jolted him awake. 

It was okay, he was home, he was in bed, he was safe.

That didn’t make Spencer’s heart pound any less or make the nausea go away. He kicked the twisted sheets off of him, needing to feel the coo air and he settled back down, not sure whether he wanted to fall back asleep or not.

The soft padding footsteps were almost imperceptible as Spencer began to feel more and more drowsy. They were followed by the creak of the mechanism and then the familiar tinkle of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. The carousel was set down on the bedside table and Spencer felt the bed shift as a small body clambered up and settled down beside him.

Spencer was able to fall asleep with the tiny hand on his forehead and no more bad dreams came.

* * *

The hall was filled with excited parents and students all crammed together in uncomfortable seats. Spencer hardly noticed though, absently tapping his foot and shifting in his seat. Emily laid a comforting hand on his arm and smiled at him.

“I think you might be more nervous than Hope is” she said with a laugh.

“I think I am” Spencer admitted, “She’s been so excited about this for months, I just want her to enjoy it. Emily gave his arm a reassuring squeeze as the Principal got on stage to welcome everyone to the end of year concert and introduce the first act, a band made up of older kids.

They were followed by the school choir and then the orchestra came on stage. Hope filed in with the others and Spencer could see her scanning the audience for him, giving a small wave when she spotted them. They played three pieces before sitting down. The first violinist stood up and played a short solo piece afterwards then when the applause for him died down, Hope stood up. 

“Hope Reid is going to perform  _[A Hundred Years Since](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.flutetunes.com%2Ftunes.php%3Fid%3D2435&t=NWFkM2E3NzNmYjFmMTJjZjlmZTUxZTE4NjZhNzM4YWVhNjNlYTA3OSwyOUNudEdnZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AI3oE7sbzH0lHhpLDNK8xjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fillegalcerebral.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F165765193427%2Fan-ordinary-girl-soundtrack-to-our-lives&m=1)_ ” explained the announcer. Spencer saw Hope shift her weight from side to side as she lifted her flute. He could see her flexing her fingers and taking a steadying breath before she started. It was a short, lively piece and Hope didn’t falter once, her eyes were half closed and Spencer knew she was blocking out everything else. After she finished and the hall applauded, Spencer and Emily louder than anyone else, she sat down with a shy grin. 

The rest of the concert past in blur and afterwards Hope rushed outside to meet them.

“Was it okay?” she asked anxiously, “I was worried about the start but-”

“It was amazing” said Spencer, pulling her into a hug.

“Best performance of the night” said Emily “You’re very talented Hope!”

Hope blushed, looking so much like Spencer in that moment that Emily thought her heart might burst.

“We should celebrate” said Spencer happily.

“Dad!”

“It was your debut! This calls for ice cream! Emily wanna join?”

“Hell yes! I want to be able say I had ice cream with the famous musician Hope Reid after her very first solo performance way back when” grinned Emily.

Hope buried her face in her hands as the three of them left.

* * *

“What the hell is that noise?” asked Luke as he paced in front of the map. The team was on a case in Arizona and Spencer was helping from home. Luke had called him to go over the geographical profile.

“That’s Hope” said Spencer “I mean, technically its Hope playing her birthday present from Penelope. At least its more tuneful than the drum kit.”

“What is it?” asked Luke.

“Its an Otamatone.” There was a pause before Spencer added “Garcia thought it was cute.”

“And what’s the song she’s playing?”

“The Imperial March from Star Wars. She wants to start learning the X Files theme tune next”

* * *

“It’s good, really good” Hope grinned, swinging her legs as she sat on the table in the bar. Isaac’s band had their first gig tonight and he’d invited her to their rehearsal.

“Really? Cool. I mean, it’s kinda rough but that’s kinda what we’re going for so I think people will like it” said Isaac, tripping over his words.

“No, yeah, totally” said Hope. She wished to God that she could think of something more interesting to say, she felt like a massive idiot.

“You should pay with us some time” said Isaac “You play guitar right?”

“I only started learning a few years ago” said Hope with a shrug “But yeah, I also play flute and a little bit of drums. God, sorry, that sounds like I’m bragging doesn’t it?”

“No, it’s really cool” said Isaac “They’re all really…different.” Isaac flushed red and for a brief moment Hope wondered if he was struggling to get his words out for the same reason she was. The thought made her face hot.

“So, um you have some time before the show right? There’s a pizza place in town that I heard was good. I mean, you should probably eat before you go on stage right?” said Hope.

“Yeah that would be…that would be sensible. It would look really stupid if I got woozy or forgot my words because I hadn’t eaten. That would suck…” said Isaac.

“Do you wanna eat with me?”

“Uh huh! I mean, yeah. That would be nice”

As they wandered out the barman thought he had never seen two people blush so much in his entire life.

* * *

Spencer ran to the door as the first knock sounded, flinging it open.

“What’s wrong? Is Grace okay? Are  _you_ okay?” Spencer looked at his daughter with concern.

“She won’t stop crying” Hope sobbed, baby Grace struggling in her arms “I’ve tried everything. Isaac’s away and he can always get her to stop. What am I doing wrong?”

“Come inside” said Spencer gently. Grace’s cries sounded just like Hope’s when she was a baby.

“I’m so useless!” Hope choked out as she settled down on the couch. Grace howled and the sight of the two of them broke Spencer’s heart.

“You aren’t useless” said Spencer “I went through the same thing when you were a baby. You would just cry and cry and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It hurts like hell but it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just takes a little while to work out what baby needs.”

“She’s not hungry, she doesn’t need changing” said Hope, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Spencer brushed them away.

“Let me try something.” he said and then rushed out of the room. When he came back a few minutes later he set the gaudy carousel on the coffee table in front of them.

“Oh my god you still have that?” exclaimed Hope.

“It was the only thing that would calm you down when you were upset” said Spencer, picking up again and winding it up. As the music played Grace calmed down a little and Spencer could see the tension leaving Hope’s body. He reached up to stroke her hair.

“You should try playing your flute for her” Spencer said as Grace settled down, her cries dissolving into cooing baby noises “I bet she’d like that”

“Thank you” Grace sniffed, resting her head on his shoulder. The three of them sat there all night, listening to the little tune over and over again until they fell asleep. 


End file.
